All This Time
by headoverhook
Summary: "He knows, Lanie. He is never gonna forgive me." Castle has found out by accident and Kate isn't sure if she can repair what her lie has destroyed. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**I know, there are already tons of fics about this ep. But I needed to get it off my chest. They are driving me nuts! I needed an outlet for my frustration. Being a TV show addict is sooo not healthy. Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Chapter One<strong>

"Do you wanna know trauma? I was shot in the chest! And I remember every second of it!"

The smile that had appeared on Castle's face when he'd listened to Kate grilling the suspect, faltered slowly when his brain registered the meaning of her words. His eyes widened in surprise before the hurt settled into them.

"All this time?" Castle murmured defeated, staring through the two-way mirror at Kate. "You remembered?"

Castle couldn't believe it. She remembered everything? She'd just said that she remembered every single second and he knew her long enough, had been sitting beside her during countless interrogations to know that she hadn't lied just to get a reaction out of the suspect. She had told the truth, she didn't lie to the suspect. But she had lied to him. She had lied to him for months.

The observation room suddenly felt too small and he needed to get out of the precinct. He'd told her that he loved her and she had heard him. She had heard him confessing his love to her.

He could feel the anger bubbling up in his stomach but right in that moment all he could feel was hurt. She didn't love him. It was the only explanation he could come up with why she'd lied to him. She didn't love him and didn't know how she should deal with his confession. So she chose to just ignore it.

All these months she knew that he was in love with her. She knew. He couldn't get over the fact that she lied to him. That she apparently didn't value their friendship as much as he did. She took the coward's way out. She could have told him that she didn't love him. She should have told him. He had a right to know that she would never give them a chance. That he was the only one who lost his heart.

She didn't need time. She never needed time. She just didn't feel the same way.

~C&B~

"Was Castle here?" Kate asked Esposito when she spotted the coffee cup on her table.

"Yeah, earlier. But he said he had to go. Said there was somewhere he needed to be."

"He just came by to bring coffee?" Kate replied astonished, wondering why Castle didn't wait until she came out of the interrogation.

"He was disappointed that we caught a break in the case without him and rushed to the observation room to at least watch the interrogation." Esposito explained. "He must have heard something worth pursuing. He almost ran me over on his way out."

Kate suddenly felt dizzy and she reached for the back of her chair, digging her fingers into the leather until her knuckles went white. The blood rushed in her ears, almost drowning out Esposito's voice. _He was in the observation room?_

"Shit. Fucking hell." Esposito's eyes grew wide. He'd never heard Beckett curse like that before and he didn't want to be in Castle's shoes when Beckett found him. "Javi, I need to go. Cover for me, will you?"

"But Beckett ..." Esposito started, but Kate had already disappeared around the corner.

Esposito raised his eyebrows in confusion and looked at Ryan who only shrugged his shoulders. They never knew what was going on between Castle and Beckett. The relationship between those two was too complicated to even try to understand it.

~C&B~

Kate rushed through the doors of the morgue, her gaze searching for the one person who might know where Castle was. When her gaze fell on Alexis, she sighed in relief.

"Alexis?" Kate shouted over the room, not caring about the curious looks she got from the other people in the room.

"Yeah?" Alexis turned around, looking quizzically at the approaching detective.

"Do you know where your father is?"

"Yeah, he came down here about half an hour ago to tell me that he would meet with grandma at the bomb memorial." Alexis saw Kate's pale face, heard her uneven breathing and an uneasiness settled into her stomach. "Why? Is something wrong? Did something happen?"

"No, I mean yes, no." Kate took in a deep breath. "I just need to talk to him." When Alexis looked at her with still worried eyes, Kate reassured. "Your dad is fine. Nothing happened to him."

Kate shook her head inwardly. Nothing happened to him? That was the understatement of the century. She didn't even want to think about how hurt and furious he might feel right now.

Kate forced herself to give Alexis a reassuring smile, before she turned around on her heels and walked back out of the room.

"Kate?" Kate hadn't even noticed that her best friend had been in the morgue but she apparently followed her outside. Lanie put a hand on her shoulder to stop her and Kate turned around slowly.

"What happened?" Lanie asked softly. "Did you two have a fight?"

"Not yet." Kate whispered, closing her eyes.

"Not yet? What do you ..." Lanie started to speak but Kate's quiet voice interrupted her.

"He knows, Lanie." Kate bit her bottom lip, opening her eyes to look in the worried eyes of her best friend. "He knows that I remember everything."

"How did he find out?"

"He heard me telling a suspect. I didn't know that he was in the observation room."

"Obviously."

"Lanie?" Kate's voice trembled. The realization how much she screwed up was just settling in, making her want to break down in tears. "He is never gonna forgive me."

"I told you, that lying to him would bite you in the ass. I never understood why you've lied to him in the first place. It's not as if you don't reciprocate his feelings."

"I don't know if I really ..." Kate started to argue out of habit. Even now she was scared to voice her true feelings. She had told Lanie once when they had been insanely drunk after a girl's night out. But she only said it this one time. The actual words only came once over her lips.

"Katherine Beckett, stop it! Just stop it! No running away anymore. You have to face your feelings." Kate opened her mouth, feeling the urge to defend her actions but Lanie only raised her hand before she could utter one word. "You are in love with him, Kate. You are in love with Richard Castle for a very long time now. I know you are scared. But if you don't wanna lose him you have to tell him. You have to tell him how you feel. Now! Before it's too late. You hurt him with your lie. You know that. If you don't explain it to him than you are going to be right."

"Right about what?"

"That he is never gonna forgive you."

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><p><strong>I actually never liked that Kate chose to lie to him. And don't get me started on<strong> **Monday's episode. I find it completely out of character that Kate didn't ask Castle what's wrong with him. There is no way she would just let his mood change slide without probing him to tell her what happened that made him so angry. I hate when producers are changing their characters for the sole purpose to drag things out. Makes me furious!**

**Okay, I've got you. You've just read the 100th fic about this ep so you are apparently as desperate for them getting together as I am. :-) So please leave me a review on your way out. You can vent if you like. I love venting. **


	2. Chapter 2

**This is the first story I'm writing for this fandom and the first time that I'm writing for such a popular couple. I was surprised when I opened my e-mail account Thursday morning. I didn't expect such a great response. So thank you all very much for the reviews, the favoriting and the alerts. **

**And for the record: I haven't forgotten that Castle has a secret too. I just understand his reasoning why he keeps it a secret from her better than Kate not telling him that she'd heard his love confession. I totally get that Castle feels betrayed but I'm not happy with how he chooses to react in the next episode. But if Kate needs this kick in the ass to tell him about her feelings I think I can live with it. At this point I just want them to have an honest conversation. If it turns out to be a big fight you won't hear me complaining. At least everything would come out in the open then. I'm tired of waiting!**

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><p><strong>Chapter Two <strong>

Kate didn't know if it had been the right decision to come here. Maybe she should give him some time to calm down. But Lanie's 'before it's too late' was still ringing in her ears. Being a cop she should know that life was too short to waste any time. This case had just proven it once again. She'd told him that she needed time, back then on the swings, when he had been furious that she hadn't called him for months. She needed time to put her mother's murder behind her before she could start the kind of relationship she wanted.

He'd understood. He always understood. Most of the time he put her needs in front of his own and she'd never really stopped to think how hard it must have been for him to see her every day without having the possibility to act on his feelings.

He loved her. He wanted to be with her and she'd told him to wait. And he did wait. He hadn't had one relationship since the shooting. Not as far as she knew. Not even a fling. He'd worked side by side with her every day without pushing her and she'd really appreciated it.

But she'd lied to him. She couldn't deny it. It had been a lie. He'd asked her upfront if she really didn't remember anything and she'd lied right into his face. She could argue that she'd still been with Josh at the time, that he had no right to tell her that he loved her while she was in a relationship with someone else. But the truth was that his confession had scared the crap out of her.

Deep down she'd always known, even before his confession, that there was more between them than only friendship, that they were more than partners. The sexual attraction was there from the beginning. They had just decided not to act on it.

But with every case, with every coffee he'd brought her in the morning, with every story he'd shared with her and she with him, the bond between them grew stronger and stronger. She'd realized relatively fast that he was more than the playboy he showed the outside world. She'd seen how great a father he was.

They'd started to respect each other, started to share intimate things about each other's lives. She'd told him about her mother, about her father. As the days had turned into months, the months into years, she couldn't imagine a precinct, doing her job, without him by her side.

She loved his crazy theories, loved watching his face light up when he was trying to figure out who the murderer was. Like she told him once, his presence made her job easier.

She didn't know when the friendship had turned into love. Most of the time she hadn't let herself see something else in him than a great friend and partner. But not all the time. Like when he'd decided to go to the Hamptons with Gina. She had been willing to admit that he meant more to her, she had been on the verge of jumping right into it. Seeing him leaving the precinct with Gina had hurt like hell, but what had hurt even more was how betrayed she had felt when he hadn't come back to the precinct in the fall.

She had been pissed off, extremely pissed off. If she was honest, the anger had been more directed at herself than at him. She had been angry with herself that she'd counted the days until he would come back, that every time she'd looked at his empty chair she'd missed him even more.

At the end she'd let him come back. As if she would have let him go. She'd missed working with him. She'd missed his crazy theories. She'd missed her morning coffee. She'd missed him.

Since then their bond grew even stronger. They'd almost frozen to death. They'd been a hair breadth away from getting blown up by a dirty bomb. He'd been always there, right by her side. But even after facing death with him she'd been too scared to let him in. She'd been too afraid to give him that much power over her. If she'd let him in, he would have the ability to shatter her heart and she'd always been too scared to take that risk.

Suddenly Royce's letter drifted into her mind. _The last thing you want is to look back on your life __and wonder if only._ She hadn't listened to his advice. She'd buried it deep inside of her, hadn't been willing to take that ultimate step.

But she couldn't bury it anymore. The what if's floated around in her brain. She'd always found it futile to wonder what could have happened if she would have made other decisions. She couldn't change the past anyway. But she could change her future.

What if he would die tomorrow? Could she live with the fact that she'd never told him that she loved him? Would she be able to go on with her life if she would lose him? If she would lose him without knowing what it's been like to make love with him, wake up with him every morning? She should have asked herself these questions sooner because the only answer she could give was no. No. She couldn't imagine a life without him and she didn't even want to imagine a life without him. She wanted to share her life with him. She was in love with him but her own cowardice had possibly deprived her of every chance to ever be in a relationship with him.

Turning around the last corner, she could see him standing beside his mother in front of the flowers and pictures of the victims. She knew him long enough to be able to read his body language, even from this distance. His whole posture screamed defeat and her heart clenched painfully in her chest. She really hoped that she wasn't too late.

~C&B~

"I really thought we could have a future together. I was willing to wait." Looking at it in the light of what he'd overheard, made him look like a complete loser. Pining for a woman who never would love him. Not the way he wanted her to. The anger he'd already felt earlier came back and hit him square in the chest. "And to find out it's all just a big joke. She knew." Castle looked at his mother, his voice full of hurt. "This whole time she remembered and she didn't say anything because she was embarrassed, because she doesn't feel the same way. I'm such a fool."

Martha knew that she couldn't really help him right now. She couldn't just make it go away. He loved her and the betrayal had cut deep. He needed time to recover though she wasn't sure if he would ever be able to get over her.

"Oh, come on. Let's go home." Martha put her hand on his arm, ready to at least try to comfort him. "Break out some of the good stuff. Okay?"

"Oh, I loved to. I've gotta be getting back." Castle replied determined and Martha's eyes widened in disbelief.

"Back?" She asked incredulously. "Why on earth would you go back? Knowing how she feels, knowing that she lied to you."

"This isn't about her, this is about them." Castle replied compassionately, pointing to the pictures. "It's about doing something real. Something that matters. I'm not willing to let that go."

"Richard! Love is not a switch. You can't just turn it off." How much he wished it would be that easy. Reaching inside and just flip a switch. Flip the switch and stop loving her. "You can't work side by side with her and not feel anything."

But he could try. He had to.

"Watch me!"

~C&B~

Kate didn't know what they were talking about. She assumed it was about her. At the end Castle straightened himself, a determined look on his face, and Martha's shoulders slumped in defeat. Whatever he'd said, she wasn't really happy about it. But Kate knew she would accept whatever he'd decided. Pulling his head down, she gave him a peck on his cheek and walked away.

Castle turned around to the memorial, his hands buried in his pockets and Kate approached him slowly, contemplating what she wanted to say. When she stood directly behind him, she took in a deep breath and spoke quietly.

"Castle?" He swirled around, surprised to see her. But the surprised expression only remained on his face for a few seconds, before he wiped his face clean of any emotion, looking at her with cold eyes that made her shiver, and the words just tumbled out of her mouth. "I know you were in the observation room. I know you heard me telling the suspect that I remember."

The cold in his eyes changed to hot anger in rapid speed, causing Kate to take a step back, shocked by the intensity of his fury. She hadn't intended to blurt it out like that. She'd wanted to smooth into the subject, but seeing his emotionless expression had rattled her.

"What do you want?" Castle said with an icy voice, throwing his next words into her face. "Pat me on the head and give me some crap about staying friends?"

"Castle, I ..." His voice burnt as if a hot iron was pressed against her heart. She had seen him only once in this state of anger. This hardly suppressed rage. During their fight almost a year ago, when he'd yelled at her that he couldn't watch her throwing her life away.

"Stop, Kate! I ..." Clenching his hands into fists, Castle took in a deep breath, trying to hold his emotions in check. "I feel like I'm going to explode any second and I can't look at you right now. Just ... just leave me alone."

"Rick!" Kate put her hand on his arm when he started to walk away, not willing to let him go. "Rick, please! Let me explain."

Castle didn't even turn around, his gaze only fell to her hand on his arm and he could see his raised eyebrow, saw how his jaw tightened. Slowly he raised his hand, putting it on hers and for a split second hope rose up in Kate's chest. Hope that he would listen to her. But he only pulled her fingers off his arm, and without even looking at her, he walked away. Tears shot into her eyes and she wrapped her arms around her waist, a sharp pain hitting her chest. She was too late. Her lie had ruined everything. He was never going to forgive her.

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><p><strong>Before you yell at me! Like I said, Kate doesn't know yet that Castle has a secret too. I'm probably going to address it later on in the story. This chapter turned out a lot darker than I intended to, probably because the upcoming May sweeps are playing havoc with my shipper heart. Unfortunately Caskett is not my only ship that isn't together at the moment.<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three  
><strong>

The urge to throw the glass against the wall was almost overwhelming. His fingers tightened around the glass as he remembered the day almost a year ago when he had been furious that she was going to get herself killed. His mother had been right. There was only one person who could get him that angry.

Detective Kate Beckett.

He still didn't know what hurt most. That she had lied to him or that she didn't love him.

He'd meant it when he'd told his mother that he had to get back to the precinct. He'd believed he could do it. But that was before Kate showed up at the memorial. Seeing her so unexpected, without the possibility to prepare himself, had caught him totally off-guard. Hearing her say that she knew that he'd overheard her, knocked the breath out of him.

He had needed to get away from her. Looking into her eyes, hearing her voice felt as if his heart broke all over again. His only escape from the hurt had been to hide behind anger.

The betrayal had felt even worse as she was standing right in front of him. Had she been silently amused that he had still showed up at the precinct ever day over the last months? Had she enjoyed keeping him in the dark about her true feelings?

Had she laughed behind his back about all the small moments he'd considered meaningful? The moments they had locked eyes, blocking out everything around them. The moments he'd been certain her eyes showed more feelings than pure friendship. The moments were an innocent touch had frozen them in place, her skin feeling so soft under his fingers.

She had fooled him. He'd thought they were getting closer to each other. He'd thought they had a chance, that they had something special. But apparently everything he'd felt had only been figments of his imagination. The woman he'd thought he knew inside out had never existed.

A knock at the door interrupted his brooding and when he looked up his daughter walked slowly into the room.

"Can I get you something?" Alexis asked quietly. "A hot cocoa or emergency cheering up pancakes?"

"Sorry, but I think I need the hard stuff today." Castle replied, raising his glass with scotch. "And even pancakes are not gonna help this time."

"What happened, dad?" Alexis stepped closer to the desk, her eyes boring into his. "Beckett stormed into the morgue a few hours ago, all flustered. She looked as if she'd just seen a ghost. I was afraid she would collapse every second and she was searching for you."

"Yeah, she was searching for me." Castle said with a dull voice, rolling the glass between his hands, watching the light reflecting in the golden liquid.

"Why?" Alexis asked, trying to get to the bottom of it. Her dad looked like shit and Beckett hadn't looked better. Something major was going on here and she wanted to know what.

"Can we not get into it today, Alexis?" Castle lifted the glass to his mouth, taking a big gulp, welcoming the burning sensation of the alcohol on his way to his stomach.

"Does grams know?" Alexis hoped that he had at least talked to someone. Bottling it up inside was not helpful.

"Yes, I've talked to her." Castle replied softly and Alexis exhaled a relieved sigh.

"Are you two going to be okay?" Alexis knew how important Beckett was for her father. She hoped whatever happened could be fixed.

"Mother and I?" Castle looked up surprised, having no idea how she could think that something was wrong between his mother and himself.

"No, not grams." Alexis shook her head. "I mean Beckett and you."

"I don't know." Castle rubbed one hand over his face, his throat getting constricted by the thought that they might never be okay again. "It's complicated."

"Are _you_ going to be okay?"

"I'm sure I'll eventually get there."

Alexis knew that she was too old and probably too heavy to sit on his lap but she wished she could wipe away the crushed expression on his face. So she climbed onto his lap and lay her head on his shoulder, wrapping her arms around his waist, hoping to give him some kind of comfort by only being there.

Castle couldn't remember the last time Alexis had been sitting on his lap. She had grown up so fast. Giving her a peck on her forehead, Castle buried his head in her hair, realizing that he would always have his daughter. No matter what happened. No matter that Kate had just ripped his heart out, Alexis was there to catch him. Kate might not love him, but Alexis did. He should be grateful to have her. Maybe he didn't deserve to have more love in his life. Maybe being a father and son should be enough.

~C&B~

Kate stood in front of his loft, rubbing her sweaty hands over her jeans, trying to muster up the courage to actually knock at the door. She had gone home after Castle had left her at the memorial. But she'd paced through her apartment for over an hour and she just couldn't stop thinking about him. She needed to talk to him and he needed to listen.

Taking a deep breath, Kate raised her hand and knocked at the door, waiting anxiously for someone to open it. When Martha opened the door, she couldn't help feeling a stab of disappointment because it wasn't Castle.

"Hey, Martha!"

Kate could see her stiffen, her posture went rigid and her blue eyes turned to ice. She acted like a mama bear protecting her cub and Kate felt as if someone just punched her in the gut as she got reminded once again how much she missed her own mother. Especially in situations like this. The whole Castle situation made her head spin. Falling in love with him had turned her world upside down and besides Lanie she had no one to talk about it.

"Is he here?" Kate asked quietly. "I need to talk to him."

"I don't think so." Martha replied sharply, folding her arms over her chest, effectively blocking the entrance.

If Kate would have had any doubts whether Martha knew about her lie or not, her answer would have erased the last of them. She knew.

"Martha, I really need to talk to him."

"Don't you think you've done enough damage?" Martha asked her furiously. "Why do you want to twist the knife?"

"I don't think that you can consider it as twisting the knife if I just want to explain it to him." Kate replied, slightly taken aback.

Martha didn't know what Kate could have to say that would make her son feel better. He was already on the ground and she wasn't going to let Kate kick him even more.

"Don't you think it's enough for today? Don't you think he deserves a break after he'd just found out that his love is unrequited?"

"He thinks I lied to him because I don't love him?" Kate asked disbelievingly. She must have understood Martha incorrectly.

"Yes, of course. What else should he think?"

"Is he insane?" Kate exclaimed, feeling the urge to beat her head against the wall.

"Well, you can consider him insane for falling in love with a woman who is unattainable but ..."

"No way! He is such an idiot!" Kate shook her head in utter disbelief. She'd never considered the possibility that he was not only angry at her because of her lie but also because he thought that she didn't love him. How wrong he was.

"Martha, you have to let me in." Kate said desperately, on the verge of falling on her knees to beg Martha to give her the chance to talk to him. "He got it all wrong. He needs to know that. He needs to hear it from me."

"What did he get wrong?"

"For god's sake, let me talk to him!"

"Let her in, mother." Castle's quiet voice suddenly interrupted them and Kate's gaze shot to his office where he was leaning against the door frame, his tired eyes still not looking at her, but fixed on his mother. "We both know that she won't give up. Stubborn as she is."

"But Richard, do you really think that's a great idea?"

"Don't worry, mother. I can handle it." Castle replied, a sad smile lifting one corner of his mouth. He turned around to his daughter who was standing right beside him and put his hands on her shoulders, looking intently in her eyes.

"I need a favor, Alexis. Can you take mother and give us an hour?"

"But dad, I ..."

"Please, Alexis. I need to do this alone. Okay?"

"Okay, dad."

Alexis wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him firmly, and Castle closed his eyes for a few seconds, wishing he could just stay in the arms of his daughter forever, wishing that he didn't need to hear Kate telling him that she didn't want to hurt his feelings.

A big lump formed in Kate's throat and tears pricked her eyes. She'd always considered the bond between Castle and his daughter as one of a kind. Everyone could see how much they loved each other. His daughter didn't want to leave him, ready to stand up for him against whoever tried to hurt him. Fortunately the look in Alexis' eyes had showed Kate, that Castle hadn't told her yet and she was grateful that at least one member of the Castle family wasn't mad at her.

Several minutes later Castle closed the door firmly behind his mother and daughter, pressing his hand into the door for a few seconds, gathering every ounce of strength he had left in his body before he turned around to Kate.

"So, let's get this over with, Beckett." Castle said, walking towards his office. "Maybe it's better to rip of the band-aid. Prolonging the inevitable doesn't make it any easier."

His defeated tone made her heart ache. She really expected her to stomp over his heart. He hadn't even thought for a second that she loved him too? If he didn't believe that she was in love with him he must feel betrayed. As if she was playing with him all these months. He couldn't be farther from the truth.

"Castle, I never meant to hurt you." Kate began softly after she had closed the door to his office. "I consider you one of my best friends. I didn't want to lose you."

She wouldn't have thought it possible but the look in his eyes became even more distant. She felt an unbearable urge to touch him and took a step in his direction. It hurt like hell when he flinched back and raised a hand, stopping her from coming any closer.

"Just stay over there, will you?" Castle said coldly. "I ... I just can't have you in my personal space right now. I hope you understand."

"Castle, I ..."

"Answer me one question, Kate!" Castle interrupted her, his voice suddenly becoming edgy and harsher than before. "How on earth is this friendship when you lied to me about such an important thing? In my book being friends means that you tell them the truth, even if it's uncomfortable. Choosing the coward's way out is not an option."

"The timing had been all wrong, Castle!" Kate tried to explain. "I just got shot and I admit that I should have reacted differently but I didn't know what to do with your confession."

"Well, you should have just opened your mouth and tell me that you don't love me." Castle replied angrily. "At least it would have been the truth. Instead you chose to play with me for months. As if I'm your little pet. That's just sick, Kate."

"God damn it, Castle! Will you stop it? I didn't play with you. I just needed time. Time to get finally over my mother's murder. About whom do you think I was talking when I've told you this on the swings, after I'd come back to the city?" Kate put her hands on her hips, getting furious herself. "Geez, Rick! I was talking about you. About us. I've asked for more time so that when I start a relationship with you, I'm able to be completely in it. With all my heart."

"I think you've lost me."

"I can't believe it! Okay, let me spell it out for you." Kate was fuming now. He had completely misread everything that had happened since the shooting and she had enough of their inability to communicate. Maybe it was even better that she was angry. Maybe it made it a lot easier to finally tell him how she felt about him.

"I love you, you dumbass." Kate spit it out into his face, not able to hold her emotions in check any longer. "But I was so scared that I would ruin it and like I said before. I don't want to lose you, Rick. What if we don't work out? What if you decide that I'm not worth the effort? What if you walk away? I'm in love with you, Richard Castle, and I was never more scared in my life."

"You are in love with me?" Castle asked dumbfounded, slumping back against the desk. Could it be true?

"Yes, I'm in love with you." Kate repeated quietly, all the anger draining out of her in a heartbeat as she saw his confused expression. "Probably as long as you are in love with me."

Castle pressed his eyes shut, taking in deep breaths. He never even considered the possibility that she loved him. But he couldn't prevent an uneasiness to creep up in his stomach. He had believed her before and she had lied. What if this was also a lie?

Opening his eyes slowly, Castle looked up at Kate, telling her the harsh truth. "Why should I believe you?"

"What?" Kate asked completely baffled. She hadn't expected that he wouldn't believe her.

"You lied to me before." Castle stated matter-of-factly, closing off his heart in fear of getting hurt again. "Maybe you are lying right now so that you don't lose me as a friend."

"You don't believe me?"

"You can't imagine how much I wanna believe you, but I can't. Not right now. Apparently it's now I who needs time."

"Are you still coming to the precinct or do you have to stay away?"

"I should probably stay away but what we do matters, Kate." Castle replied intently. "Our work is important. I'm not turning my back on the victims. I might not be a cop but I can help to solve crimes and catch murderers. I'm not willing to let that go."

"Okay." Kate said with a shaking voice. "Then I'll see you tomorrow." But before she could turn around and leave Castle's voice stopped her.

"Kate!" The tenderness in his voice brought tears to her eyes and she averted her gaze to the ground, trying to hide it from him but he'd already seen it. His finger slipped under her chin and he lifted it gently until she couldn't avoid eye contact any more and locked eyes with him. "I love you. That hasn't changed. I'm in love with you, Kate Beckett, and if you really love me then you'll give me the time I've asked for."

"I'll prove it to you." Kate gulped hard, looking deep into his blue eyes. He was worth it. He was worth the fight. "I don't know how but I will prove my love to you. I will prove to you that I didn't lie."

* * *

><p><strong>Dare I say it, but I actually enjoyed the last ep. I really liked that Kate wasn't trying to make Castle jealous with Colin, though Castle's childish behavior with the flight attendant was a little annoying. Maybe I liked this ep because Lanie was amazing. Finally we've got the long overdue girl talk. I just wish it would have happened a lot sooner. In my opinion there is no way that Lanie, as Kate's best friend, waited almost a year to tell her what she should have told her months ago. My only complaint is that there was too little Castle in the ep for my taste. I've missed him. But overall it was one of the better eps of season 4 and I'm still hoping for the big Caskett fight in the finale. <strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

He did come to the precinct the next day and the two following days. He'd helped solving the case, like so many times before, but the light in his eyes was gone. Though he had gotten all excited when he'd told them his theory about what had happened in the forty-seven seconds before the bomb went off. But when the adrenaline had worn off, he had shut himself off and left the precinct with nothing more than a mumbled good-bye.

"Everything okay?" Lanie's quiet voice startled Kate and she looked over her shoulder at her best friend.

"Define okay."

"Have you talked to him?"

The case had occupied all of their time, so Lanie didn't get around to grilling Kate. She didn't know if her friend had talked to him. He seemed relaxed, but Castle was very good in putting up a show and she wasn't as good as Kate in reading him. Kate looked back at the three men sitting at Ryan's desk, chatting and laughing. On the outside it seemed as if Castle was his old self but he couldn't fool her.

"Yeah, we've talked." Kate replied, a hint of sadness evident in her tone.

"I guess it didn't go as planned."

"Not exactly." Kate's gaze returned to Castle, her heart pinched when she saw him throwing his head back as he laughed about a joke of Esposito. "But I guess he reacted better than I could have hoped for."

"What happened?" Lanie asked softly, laying a comforting hand on Kate's arm.

"It's complicated." Kate sighed, her gaze still glued to Castle.

"Complicated?" Lanie snorted and Kate shot her an accusatory glance. "Sorry, but that's a real understatement. If you would make a TV show out of your relationship, the viewers would tear out their hairs in frustration."

"Very funny." Kate scoffed, folding her arms in front of her chest in a defense gesture, her hand tightening around her coffee mug.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Lanie asked concerned. "We can have a girl's night. Drink some wine and bitch about men. It might make you feel better."

"Did I lose him, Lanie?" Kate suddenly asked out of the blue, her voice thick with anguish.

"No, you didn't." Lanie reassured her, following Kate's gaze, feeling her flinch under her hand when they heard Castle's laughter from the opposite side of the room.

"No?" Kate asked not convinced. Apparently Castle was having fun talking to the guys. She hadn't seen him laughing since he found out about her lie.

"I've seen how he still looks at you when you are not watching him. You didn't lose him." Lanie squeezed Kate's arm, trying to comfort her. "Though I have no idea what you're waiting for? Both of you."

"I don't know what you mean." Kate furrowed her brows in confusion.

"Should I hold a mirror in front of you two every time you look at each other?" Lanie asked, rolling her eyes in exasperation when she saw Kate's baffled expression. "Before he knew that you've heard his love confession you could already see the longing in his eyes and in yours." Kate opened her mouth, but Lanie just continued speaking without giving her a chance to interrupt. "Ahh, don't deny it. You know it's true. I don't know what happened, but you don't look as if any of the sexual tension is resolved. It's worse than before. It almost hurt physically watching you now."

"Because we didn't solve anything." Kate admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. "He didn't believe me when I told him that I love him. Releasing pressure by having sex is the last thing I should be concerned about, but ..."

"But you are thinking about it?" Lanie said knowingly.

"Yeah." Kate stated slightly embarrassed, her cheeks turning a light red.

"You still want to tear his clothes off?"

"It's all I can think about." Kate said tiredly, the fingers that weren't wrapped around the mug, digging into her arm as if she needed to feel the pain. "Every time I look at him, I wanna grab him and throw him in the observation room and just go for it."

"Why are you so surprised about it, Kate?" Lanie shook her head in disbelief, smiling slightly when Kate looked at her wide-eyed, clearly dumbfounded by her question. "You wanted him for years and always denied yourself to admit it openly. Now that you did, you can't bottle it up anymore."

"It's driving me crazy, Lanie." Kate balled her hand into a fist, looking as if she wanted to punch someone or something, before she added barely audible. "I even dream about him."

"Ahhh, the kind of dreams where you wake up and believe that you can still taste him, feel his skin under your fingers? The kind of dreams where your whole body is still trembling with pleasure?" Kate only nodded and Lanie sighed. "I know these dreams."

"It's insane, Lanie. I've never even kissed him except of this one undercover kiss."

"But if I've understood you correctly, even this kiss was off the chart incredible. You've told me that you even forgot for a split second that it was supposed to be fake."

"Why do you have to remind me of it?" Kate lifted her hand and pinched her nose, closing her eyes as memories of the kiss were running through her brain. His hand in her hair, his lips pressing against hers.

"That bad?"

"He doesn't even want to be touched." Kate opened her eyes slowly,

"What do you mean?"

"He was always this touchy guy. Always teasing and invading my personal space. Yesterday I leaned over him, to grab a file and put a hand on his shoulder. It wasn't even intentional. It was just for balance."

"What happened?"

"He jerked back as if he was bitten by a snake." Kate pressed one hand into the door frame and Lanie could see the hurt in her eyes. "He looked at me as if I had just punched him, mumbled something about having a date with Alexis and rushed out of the room as if his pants were on fire. Literally!"

"Maybe he just needs time." Lanie stated softly.

"I know. But I miss him." Kate sighed, her gaze leaving Lanie for a split second, following the unbearable urge to see his face. "I miss the lightheartedness. I miss our banter. That's exactly what I've feared would happen when we would give in and act on our feelings."

"The problem is, Kate, that you haven't acted on your feelings. You are in love with each other and are acting as if you've already tried a relationship and failed. But that's not the case. You haven't even slept together."

"But it feels as if I've already lost him before I even had him. Lanie." Kate said, her voice full of desperation. "I don't know how often I fantasized about having sex with him over the last few years. There were a few close calls where I've almost given in to the temptation. Sometimes I wanted him so bad that only his hand on my shoulder made me want to jump him right then and there. But I didn't want to ruin our friendship. Looks like I didn't need to have sex with him to ruin everything."

"You believe you and Castle are friends?"

"Of course we are friends. Well, we were."

"You were never friends, Kate." Lanie replied, harsher than she'd intended to. "From the moment you've met you wanted each other. He might be your partner, but he is not your friend."

"But ..."

"He is the first man who'd come so close to your heart that you've feared how much he could hurt you." Lanie said emphatically. "You pushed him away. Over and over again. Even after he declared his love to you, you are still hiding behind your wall."

"I'm not hiding!" Kate shot back exasperatedly. "You know I didn't want to have a half-hearted relationship with him. I want it all and the wall was really there."

"Kate, this wall had already crumbled a long time ago." Lanie said softly. "He'd already broken through it without you noticing it. You never wanted him to be your friend. You wanted him to be your partner, at work and at home. You want to share your life with him." Lanie paused briefly, realizing that Kate was struggling to hold herself together, but she was determined to force her to face the truth. "No, Kate. You've never been friends. Deep down you've always fantasized about sharing a bed with him. From the moment he'd suggested it after the first case he'd helped you with."

"He could be one of my conquests?" Kate asked, a small smile appearing on her face as she remembered their first case together.

"Yes, and don't tell me that you weren't tempted."

"Ohh, I _was_ tempted." Kate chuckled, when a picture of him, with his irresistible smirk, popped up in her head. "His 'it would have been great' made me tingle in all the right places. But he was a playboy back then, had four women at each finger."

"But he isn't a playboy anymore." Lanie felt the need to point out.

"I know."

"He's changed, Kate. I'm pretty sure that you are the reason why he even wanted to change.

"Lanie, I've told him that I would prove it to him that I love him. But how should I prove it apart from telling him over and over again that I'm in love with him?" Kate asked hopelessly. "I can only respect his wish and give him time."

"Then give him time."

"I can only hope that giving him time is good enough."

~C&B~

It became harder and harder from day to day. When he'd told her that he needed time, he didn't think it would become that tough. Seeing her every day was torture. Seeing the brief flicker of hope flaring up in her eyes every day, made his heart ache. He didn't even know why he'd told her that he couldn't believe her, when his whole body and heart begged him to just pull her in his arms and kiss her senseless. But he couldn't deny that a small part of him had doubts that she really meant what she was saying.

But having doubts didn't mean that his body didn't react to her. When she'd leaned over him, laying her hand on his shoulder, her hair brushing over his cheek, her unique scent waving over him, he jumped in surprise, putting much needed space between them as fast as he could, desperately trying to suppress the desire that had hit him unprepared. He had seen the hurt in her eyes and he had rushed out of the room, before he would grab her and kiss her hard. Before he would press her into his body, showing her exactly how much he wanted her.

But he'd restrained himself, fled the scene before he would have done something he would regret afterwards. He knew making love with her would be amazing, but it wouldn't resolve anything. The first time he shared a bed with her, he wanted it after they'd put everything on the table and dealt with it. He hadn't forgotten that he had a secret too and that he needed to tell her the truth eventually. But their relationship was strained enough right now and he didn't think it was the right moment to tell her, though he wasn't even sure if there would ever be a right moment.

He'd remembered the first time she'd found out that he'd gotten involved with her mother's case and it hadn't been pretty. Of course he'd convinced her to stop looking for her murderer because they'd threatened her life and he would never forgive himself if anything would happen to her. She almost died in his arms once and he would never forget this day in his whole life. He would sacrifice almost everything for her.

Pushing her away from her mother's case, had felt like giving up on breaking through the wall she'd mentioned on the swings. But he didn't give up. He'd been convinced that he could reach her heart without endangering her life again. She'd assured him that he had succeeded. She'd told him she loved him. So why was it so hard to believe her? He knew she'd been hiding in meaningless relationships with men she didn't love. How could he blame her for wanting to be sure that it wouldn't be the same when she started a relationship with him?

He should feel honored that she didn't want to hide behind the wall anymore. She chose him to be the one man that could find his way to her heart and according to her she'd already let him in. But he was still too scared that everything she'd said would turn out to be a dream, a figment of his imagination. How could he be sure that his desire for her hadn't driven him nuts?

"Castle?" Are you still with us?" Esposito's voice cut through Castle's musings.

"Huh?" Castle had a hard time to get back to the conversation, his thoughts still with Kate and the strained situation they were currently in.

"What's going on with you two?" Ryan asked him curiously.

"You two?" Castle asked nonchalantly, stalling them in the hope that they would just drop it.

"Don't play dumb here, bro." Esposito folded his arms over the back of the chair. "You know damn well of whom we're talkin'."

"You can cut the tension with a knife." Ryan added, leaning forward in his chair, eager to hear how Castle would try to explain their strange behavior.

"Nothing is going on between us." Castle stated calmly. "I just wish you would stop giving every move of us a deeper meaning."

"Yeah, right." Ryan huffed sarcastically. "As if nothing between you two has a deeper meaning."

"Nothing has changed." Castle repeated. Maybe if he'd said it often enough he could even convince himself that it was true.

"You really wanna make us believe that nothing has changed?" Esposito asked incredulously.

"Like I said. We are just doing our jobs. Well, she does hers and I'll tag along."

"You're forgetting that we work side by side with you for almost four years now." Esposito said. "Even longer with Beckett. There is definitely something different. I'm just not sure what."

"How about you two mind your own business and do actually what you're getting paid for?" Castle replied icily.

Ryan raised his eyebrows in surprise and looked questioningly at his partner. There was definitely something wrong. Castle normally didn't mind getting teased. He'd always taken it lightheartedly in the past and let them pay for it a few days later with some prank he'd come up with. Esposito just shrugged his shoulders, as clueless as Ryan about the reason of Castle's strange behavior.

When they looked back at Castle, he'd returned his gaze to Kate who was standing in the break room, talking to Lanie. Suddenly she looked up and her gaze fell on Castle. The moment their eyes locked, the room seemed to charge with tension in seconds. Something did happen, something that had changed their dynamic completely. They didn't even blink, engaging themselves in a silent staring contest. Suddenly a shudder went through Castle's body and he jumped out of his chair.

"Gotta go, guys! See ya tomorrow."

Kate followed him with her eyes until the elevator doors closed behind him, gulping hard to get rid of the lump that had suddenly appeared in her throat.

"Scratch what I just said." Lanie's voice cut through the silence. "You gotta do something, girl! Before Gates catches you two staring at each other like that. She'd throw Castle out faster than you can blink."

"That's the problem, Lanie. I've just told you, I don't know what to do."

"Maybe you should just jump him." Lanie stated matter-of-factly. "Set the sheets on fire. I'll bet he wouldn't say no."

"Yeah, brilliant idea." Kate replied sarcastically. "We just bury all the problems by having mind-blowingly fantastic sex."

"Just sayin', girl!" Lanie grinned. "You've waited for so long, it's gonna be one hell of an explosion."

"Maybe you're right! Maybe I'll just seduce him and fuck his brains out!" Kate grumbled exasperatedly.

"Katherine Beckett! Language!" Lanie wagged her finger in mock accusation, holding her straight expression up only for a few seconds before she broke out in laughter. "If you don't have sex with him soon you're gonna go up in flames by self-combustion."

"I swear I'll combust right next to him and take him with me." Kate grunted. "Maybe we can have sex as angels on cloud nine."

Lanie held her stomach, the laughter shaking her whole body. "You're killing me! I can't breathe!"

"At least one of us is having fun!"

"Talk to him, Kate." Lanie said after she was finally able to stop laughing. "If you don't intend to, like you put it, 'fuck his brains out' you have to convince him otherwise."

"Easier said than done."

"He'll believe you eventually. Your love to him is written all over your face. He'll see it. It can't get more awkward than it already is."

"I'll give him one week." Kate stated in determination. "If nothing changes I'll talk to him."

* * *

><p><strong>Completely unrelated note: I was listening to the <strong>_Buffy_** soundtrack while giving this chapter its finishing touches. I should really only listen to these kind of songs when I'm writing fluff. Now I'm in a weepy mood because these songs always remind me of the saddest TV love story of all time. **

**I so hope Ausiello's blind item is about Castle and Beckett. My shipper heart would get a heart attack seeing it on screen. Until then I'm looking forward to your reviews. :-)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for the reviews!**

**I didn't want to break up this chapter. So you'll get one big final installment. Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Five<strong>

Two weeks later Kate still hadn't talked to him. They'd gotten a case that let their heads spin. They'd hardly slept anything until they'd finally solved it and as usual Castle had been a big help in figuring out who the killer was. She'd contemplated when they had been eating Thai take-out at the precinct afterwards if she should ask him if he'd had a few minutes. But it'd felt so much like the old times that she hadn't wanted to ruin the mood.

He'd started to tease her again, pulling at her pigtails, like he used to and it was such a relief to look into his eyes and see the old Castle again. The man she'd fallen in love with. At least she had him back in some capacity, but it felt shallow considering what could have been if she would have told him sooner that she reciprocated his feelings.

He'd told her that he was still in love with her, but he didn't act as if this was the case. He reminded her so much of the Castle she'd met four years ago. The playboy, always having a joke on his lips. Taking nothing seriously. Of course it turned out that he was so much more than that. So much deeper than what she would have expected.

He was the man she'd always dreamed of. She never wanted perfect. She wanted a man who could put up with her. A man who would make her feel whole. With Castle everything felt right. He was the one. The one she was searching for without even knowing that she was even searching. She'd lost hope a long time ago that she would ever find the one man that belonged to her. She stopped believing in love stories that sounded like fairy tales long before her mother was killed.

But for four years Castle was in her life now and somehow he'd managed to make her believe again. He'd made her believe that even she could find the happily ever after.

Now she could hardly be around him without feeling the almost unbearable urge to touch him. She just didn't know how she should deal with the situation. They'd talked about their feelings to each other but they were still in a stale mate and Kate just couldn't see a way to get out of it.

She wanted more but if she'd asked him there could be the slight possibility that he would reject her, that she could lose him because she'd pushed too soon. So she kept her mouth shut, deciding that she wanted him in her life, even if he could only be her work partner. Of course she wanted all and she still hoped that he just needed a little more time before they could be partners in every aspect.

~C&B~

Having a case that kept them up almost all nights, felt good. Actually it felt amazing. Castle had to admit he'd become an adrenaline junkie. He needed the rush. He loved chasing killers and bringing them to justice. Before he'd started to shadow Kate on her cases he wouldn't have thought how satisfactory her work could be. Of course it was cruel and some cases were tougher than others. Some cases hit closer to home than he wanted to admit, and you had to live with the fact that you couldn't win all the time. But bringing families closure was what mattered.

Closure. Closure was what Kate was searching for. Closure about her mother's case. He knew that.

He had to tell her. And soon. If he was honest, he'd told her to give him time not only because he wasn't sure if he could believe her, but also because Johanna Beckett's murder was still looming over their heads. He still feared for her life, but like his mother told him once. It was her job. She was a homicide detective after all. If she would find out by accident that he'd hold back information about the case from her, she would be furious.

She needed to hear it from him. They couldn't move forward as long as he was keeping this secret. But he was afraid. Afraid of losing her forever. Afraid that she would throw him out of her life for good.

He wanted her. As much as she wanted him. He knew that the only thing that kept them apart right now was his cowardice to tell her the truth. He'd been well aware that Kate had tried to act as normal as possible around him, though he'd seen a few times out of the corner of his eye how she'd reached out to touch him before she'd addressed him but had dropped her hand every time.

They couldn't dance around it any longer. The desire for her burnt him up inside. He had to risk it. He would tell her, hoping that her love for him was strong enough to overcome this last obstacle and that they would finally have what they both wanted most. Each other.

~C&B~

Kate didn't exactly know how she ended up standing in the middle of his loft. But she couldn't stay away. She had a bottle of wine with her as an excuse to see him. She would tell him she wanted to celebrate with him in private. Testing the waters so to speak. Seeing if she'd already given him enough time and he was willing to take the next step.

Alexis had opened the door before Kate could knock and had told her that she should come in and that Castle was in his office. Now she was standing in front of the closed door, raising a shaking fist to knock, before she entered without waiting for his answer.

In a split second she registered Castle sitting at this desk his feet propped up on the table, the only light in the room coming from the table lamp and his big computer screen. She saw the shocked expression on Castle's face and her eyes snapped to the screen, taking in every little detail in seconds, before Castle was able to hit the button and the screen went dark.

"Kate, I ..." Castle almost knocked the lamp off the table when he stumbled to his feet.

Kate hold up her hand, stopping him silently to come any closer and Castle could see the anger rising up in her eyes, before she closed them and gulped hard.

The picture was crystal clear in her mind. He'd created a chart with everything they knew about her shooting and her mother's murder. He'd told her that she should give it time. That they would find her mother's killer eventually, but that she should lay low for a while. And now this. He'd lied to her. All this time.

Suddenly the anger bubbled up in her and burst out. "You hypocrite!"

Castle flinched back when he heard the venom in her voice. She was mad. Extremely mad.

"You were pissed off at me for lying to you and what is this?" Kate pointed to the now black screen, her whole body was shaking with the effort to hold her rage in check. All she wanted to do right now was slap him so hard that you would see her finger prints even four days later.

"I can explain. It's not what it looks like."

"It's not what it looks like?" Kate hissed angrily. "You sound as if I just caught you with your pants down around your ankles and some blonde bimbo sucking your brains out."

"Hey, that's not fair."

"What? That I'm talking about you getting a blow-job from one of your bimbos or that you are trying to talk your way out of your betrayal?"

"Betrayal?" Castle took the two steps that separated him from her, his voice getting dangerously low. "I was trying to protect you. Damn it."

"Protect me? I don't need you to protect me."

"You've just been shot and they've threatened your life. What was I supposed to do? Watch you getting killed?"

"You damn well know that I can't move on for real as long as the man behind my mother's murder is still out there. You knew, Castle. How could you do this to me? How could you keep this from me?" Kate cursed the tears that welled up in her eyes. She thought he loved her, that he would never lie to her. Not about something of this importance to her. But he apparently did. "You know what. Never mind. I need to get out of here." Kate turned around and walked towards the door.

"No." Castle shot forward, his hand grabbed her arm and pulled her back with such a force that Kate smacked into his chest. "You are not gonna leave. We are not doing this again. We talk it out this time."

Kate jerked at her arm, wanting to get out of his grip, but Castle only tightened his hand, his eyes flushing with anger.

"That's rich." Castle exclaimed angrily. "You can be angry at me when I'm lying to you _and_ when you're lying to me. But I don't have the right to be angry at all?"

"That was different."

"I don't see the difference. I've listened to you. Now you are gonna listen to me."

"You've only listened to me because I was persistent. You know damn well that you would have pouted for days if I wouldn't have come to you. So let go of me!"

Kate smacked her hand against his chest, trying to push herself away from him. She was completely taken aback when he wrapped his hand around hers and forced both of her hands behind her back, his eyes burning into hers. Shoving her backwards, her back suddenly hit the book shelf and her breasts were pushed into his chest as she arched her back so that her hands weren't painfully pressed into the wood. When she looked into his eyes, her breath caught in her throat. His eyes were full of hardly suppressed anger, his mouth set to a straight line. But she could also see the passion behind the anger.

"What are you doing?" Kate asked him, suddenly breathless. Her eyes darted to his mouth and she licked her lips unconsciously, feeling the heat of his body burning against her chest.

"Enough is enough, Kate. I'm sick of this dance. You know what?" Castle growled. "Talking is overrated anyway."

Before Kate realized what he was going to do, his lips crashed on hers. The shock of his unexpected assault only lasted a second before his tongue forced his way into her mouth and Kate's knee went weak. She'd dreamed for months about kissing him, she would not shove him away now. This was her last coherent thought before she gave in into the desire for him.

He was still holding her hands behind her back, his mouth devouring hers, pressing her further into the shelf. Deprived of using her hands, she pushed them into the wall, pressing her lower body against his, and simultaneous moans escaped their throats when she made contact with his prominent erection. Kate immediately wrapped one leg around his waist, increasing the pressure even more. She could feel him hard and long against her stomach and all the anger rushed out of her in a heartbeat. Tightening her leg around him, she drew him even further into her and with a deep moan he released her hands, digging his fingers into her ass.

Her hands shot up to his head and she wrapped them around his neck, kissing him hungrily. His hands trailed to her waist, his fingers brushing over the naked skin under her sweater. Kate snuck one hand between their bodies, in desperate need to feel him under her fingers. She couldn't keep herself from moaning loudly the moment her hand reached him. Increasing the pressure, she rubbed her hand over his whole length.

"Are you trying to kill me?" Castle whispered hoarsely, wrenching his lips from hers, his breath coming out in chopped hitches.

"Maybe." Kate breathed against his mouth, taking his bottom lip between her teeth, tugging at it carefully, eliciting a groan out of him. "You are using unfair methods here, Castle."

"How so?" Castle murmured, pressing a soft kiss against her lips, his tongue searching hers for another searing kiss.

"Kissing me to make me forget that I should be angry with you." Kate replied after several minutes, her heart pounding wildly in her chest.

"Did it work?" Castle asked and Kate could hear the mischievousness in his voice.

"I don't know." Kate said slowly. "I kind of understand why you kept it a secret from me, but that doesn't make it right."

Castle's fingers tightened around her waist, before he stepped back. Kate followed him with her eyes as he walked towards the door. She was glued to the floor, unable to move. She didn't know what was going on in his head, why he'd pulled away. Reaching the door, Castle turned around and stretched his hand towards her, his voice barely audible.

"Are you willing to take the next step? Are we able to accept that we both made mistakes? Mistakes we've made to protect the people we love? It's your choice, Kate. Now or never."

Kate looked at him, taking in his ruffled hair, his half untucked shirt. His eyes were burning hot with lust. She couldn't walk away even if she would try. Her whole body was pounding. Pounding with lust. She needed him. Needed to feel him. Her stomach tightened as she remembered his length pressing into her. There wasn't even the slightest doubt in her mind and a smile appeared on her face as she took the next step.

~C&B~

"Kate?" Castle asked softly.

"Yeah?" Kate murmured into his chest, not even able to lift her head. Every muscle in her body was relaxed and she didn't even know if she would ever be able to convince them to work again. Not that she would mind. She could lie in his arms forever, her body still humming in the afterglow.

"Please tell me that we are not going to pretend that this never happened." Castle blurted out before he could change his mind. He still believed that this could turn out to be all a dream. Because having a naked Kate in his arms, after she'd just rocked his world, was hard to believe.

"This question is a joke, right?" Kate jerked her head up, pressing her hand in his chest, her eyes searching his.

"Actually, no." Castle replied sheepishly, turning his head away from her. "It's not a joke. I really need an honest answer."

"Where did this come from?" Kate asked quietly, propping herself up on her elbow. Raising her hand, she put a finger under his chin, pulling his head back so that he had to look into her eyes. "Where is the self-confident, cocky Richard Castle I've met four years ago?"

"He fell in love with a beautiful woman." Castle said, his voice low and full of emotion. "He fell in love with a woman who is smart and funny. A woman who would have been maybe a conquest if she would have said yes back then. But she didn't and she twisted him around her little finger ever since."

"I didn't twist you around my little finger, Castle!" Kate told him slightly indignant.

"Of course you did!" Castle raised his hand, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "Why do you think I stayed, even after I'd declared my love for you? Why do you think I came back even after I found out that you lied to me? I couldn't stay away, Kate. From the moment I met you I was fascinated by you. You were gorgeous and so hot, but I couldn't charm your pants off. I admit that intrigued me the most. But working side by side with you over the years I've realized that it was so much more. I didn't plan for it to happen, but it did. I fell in love with you, Kate."

"I didn't plan it either." Kate whispered, her hand trailing along the stubble of his chin. "Guess it was bound to happen. But I think you've done some finger twisting yourself, Castle."

"Me?" Castle raised his eye brows in mock innocence. "No, I didn't."

"I was determined to not let myself feel anything for you beyond friendship, but you've wormed your way into my heart."

"That sounds creepy." Castle grimaced in disgust and Kate chuckled, leaning down to press a kiss against his lips.

"I didn't even notice it until it was too late." Kate continued to explain, smiling down at him. "The moment I've realized it, my heart had already decided to never let you go."

"So this isn't an 'one time only thing'?" Castle asked, his voice still carrying a hint of uncertainty.

"Do you really believe I could walk away from this?"

"So we are not pretending?"

"No. We are not gonna pretend that it never happened." Kate reassured him. "As if I could ever forget the last few hours. It was the best sex I'd ever had."

"Really?" Castle's mouth twitched up into a lopsided grin and Kate could feel his chest puffing out in pride.

"Don't get too cocky, Castle."

"Wouldn't dream of it." Castle replied with a goofy smile on his face.

"I don't want to turn back the clock, Rick." Kate said, her voice suddenly turning all serious. "I've talked myself out of sleeping with you numerous times over the last years."

"Seriously?" Castle asked surprised.

"Shouldn't be such a surprise for you, Castle. As if you weren't a man who only needs to snap his fingers to get laid."

"Didn't work with you."

"Because as much as I wanted to know how good or bad you are in bed, I didn't want to be a notch on your bedpost." Kate explained.

"Considering the last few hours I'm pretty sure that you would have been more than a notch, even in my old playboy days." Cocking an eye brow in question Kate looked down at him and he elaborated. "You are not the only one who had the best sex of your life."

"Hmm, I don't know. It would have been great, but I don't think you could have compared it to what happened tonight."

"How so?"

"Because we didn't jump into bed with each other only out of curiosity. We slept together because we waited for it to happen for such a long time and it wasn't just sex, Rick. There is a difference between having sex and making love. Back then we would have had sex, but now ..." Kate trailed off.

"We were making love." Castle finished her sentence.

"Exactly. Being in love changes everything."

"Yeah, it does."

Castle pulled her head down and kissed her thoroughly and Kate couldn't remember when it had been the last time she felt that happy. Only being here with him, made her feel safe. Made her wish that they could stay in bed forever. She knew that they had to face real life in a few hours, but considering how long they waited for this to happen, they could stay in his bed at least two weeks until they'd released enough of their pent-up sexual tension so that they would be able to work together without jumping each other at every opportunity.

When he released her lips, Kate needed a few seconds before she could open her eyes and when she looked into his blue eyes, shining with love, she got overwhelmed by her own feelings and a sudden urge to tell him everything rushed over her and she felt too happy to fight it.

"I have a confession to make." Kate saw the fear flashing over his face and she felt a sad pinch in her heart region because he still expected something bad to happen. "No, it's not bad. I'm pretty sure you're gonna like it. It'll stroke your ego."

"I have no ego." Castle said determined.

"Please, I can see your nose growing."

"So what is it?"

"Do you remember all the times you've teased me about being a fan of your books?"

"Of course, but you've always denied being that much of a fan."

"I lied."

"What do you mean?"

"I ..." Kate hesitated, drawing her bottom lip between her teeth and even though she'd just told him that it wasn't something he had to worry about, he couldn't prevent his heart from skipping a beat.

"What is it, Kate?" Castle raised his hand, trailing his finger over her lips until she sighed and released her bottom lip. "You said it's not bad, but ..."

"It just brings back sad memories." Kate said softly, taking in a deep breath before she continued. "I'm actually a big fan of your books. Always was." A big goofy grin appeared on his face and Kate couldn't stop herself from smiling back. "See, you like it."

"Ha, I knew it." Castle said, the smug grin still splitting up his face.

"Do you remember Will?" Kate asked, ignoring his smugness for the moment. She should have told him a long time ago. "The case we were working on?"

"Do we have to talk about ex-boyfriends of yours after we've just made love for the very first time?" Castle whined, the grin dropping from his face.

"Stop whining, Castle. I just mentioned him because while you were giving us smart ass comments over the mic attached to your chest, Will teased me about you."

"What did he say?" Castle asked curiously.

"That he could remember standing in line for an hour just to get a book signed, that your books did help me ..." Kate averted her gaze to his chest, drawing her finger along his collar bone.

"What?" Castle raised his hand and stopped her fingers, not wanting to get distracted by the sensations her fingers evoked in his body.

"Your books got me through my mother's death, Rick." Kate looked up into his eyes, her fingers curling around his, squeezing them slightly. "I don't know what I would have done without them. Your writing style was so captivating that reading one of your books made me forget for a few hours that I lost her. They helped me to cope with her death."

"Kate, I ... I don't even know what to say." Castle replied quietly, surprising Kate completely. She would have expected a little bragging from his side.

"What, a speechless Castle? That's new."

"I'm honored, Kate." Castle pulled her down and pressed a kiss on her lips.

"It made it hard for me to resist you, Rick." Kate murmured over his lips. "Suddenly you were standing in front of me in person. The man who wrote the books that saved my life. And this is not an exaggeration. It's true."

"I'm glad I could help, Kate." Castle threaded his hand into her hair and pulled her head back carefully, his blue eyes full of sincerity. "That my books are not only the reason that we've met in the first place but that they'd given you comfort at a time where I couldn't be there for you."

"We didn't even know each other back then."

"That doesn't change the fact that I wish I could have stood by your side."

"Richard Castle, you never cease to surprise me." Kate shook her head slightly.

"Why? What did I do?"

"Making me love you even more." Kate leaned down and whispered it into his ear. "And I wouldn't have thought that's possible."

"That's the Richard Castle charm." Castle joked, a shiver ran down his spine when her lips trailed over his jaw line.

"I love you, Rick." Kate said hoarsely, her lips reaching his, giving him a toe-curling kiss and his hands wandered around to her back, holding her in place when she broke up the kiss. "And I'm sorry that I made you wait for such a long time."

"It was worth it." Castle told her, his hands trailing up and down her spine. "Every second I could spend beside you was worth it. Bad or good. Because you are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with." Castle felt her flinch and a smile appeared on his face. "And no, that was not a proposal. But it doesn't mean that there won't be one down the road."

"Hmm, I'm looking forward to see what the famous Richard Castle can come up with as a proposal."

"You mean, you are not averse to the idea?" Castle asked cautiously and Kate looked at him thoughtfully for a few minutes before she shook her head.

"No." Kate said softly. "Some people might consider it insane, but I'm not afraid to become the third Mrs. Richard Castle."

"Why?"

"Because I know I'm going to be the last one." Kate replied firmly, a mischievous smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

"You're pretty confident."

"Because I know that this is the real deal."

"The real deal?"

"You've once accused me that I'm hiding behind relationships with men I don't love and you were right." Kate said slowly, her eyes never leaving his. "But I'm not hiding any more. Now I'm with a man I do love. So yes, I want to be the next and last Mrs. Richard Castle."

"So you wouldn't mind taking my name."

"I don't care, Rick. My name is not important. I don't care if my name is Kate Beckett or Kate Castle or Kate Rodgers. I only care about you."

"Katherine Beckett, you can't imagine how much in love with you I am." Castle said, clearly moved.

"The only thing that matters is that we love each other. I don't need a ring on my finger to know that you are mine."

"So you won't mind when the tabloids are going wild about this?" Castle asked. "You know that we can't keep it a secret forever."

"I know, but I can handle it." Kate said determined. "I had four years to prepare myself and I won't chicken out because the paparazzi are going to have a field day the moment they find out that we are dating."

"You're sure?" Castle asked her one more time, making sure that she knew what she was getting into.

"I'm sure. I love you and what's the saying? True love conquers all."

"Yeah, true love conquers all."

**The end**

* * *

><p><strong>I admit I'm dirty-minded and my muse wanted to go down the smut path numerous times. But every time she took a step in this direction I've managed to hold her back and believe me it wasn't easy. :-)<strong>

**Thanks to all of you who read this story. I just need to write about TV characters to get rid of my frustration and I'm just glad when other people enjoy reading my stories. I have another story sitting on my desktop. But it's only a draft. It's definitely going to be a M story if I ever get around to polish it up. Maybe over the summer hiatus.**

**Until then, I wish all of us a satisfying finale with great Caskett scenes. We all know we deserve them.**


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